It's been a while and I'm in a shit of a mood. I'm growing up and ready to move on with my life but my parents won't give me any room to grow, which is, in itself, fucking frustrating. My brother is a month from being 18 and God he just can't get enough of that fucking freedom they're giving him.
One of my best friends (who I guess I've liked?) is dating this new super-awesome girl at my school and I feel insanely jealous of her, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can't hate her because I never stood a chance anyways, as it always seems to play out that way. Plus she's madly obsessed with My Chemical Romance and there's not much I can do to hate a Killjoy, it's just fucking wrong to do that.
I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I know I won't, but I'm such a mean person that I wouldn't put it past Karma to do that to me. Hell, I probably deserve it. Not like I've killed anyone before or anything, but I'm just a shit person to everyone around me. I push all my friends away because I'm afraid they'll push me away, and it's almost like I want the break-up rights to myself. Like I want all the glory. I hate it. I lost my best friend of a year and a half because I was always mean to him, and even when he told me to stop I just couldn't. I just couldn't stop being mean. I'm mean to my best friend right now, and she takes it in stride and she's a real trooper, but no one should ever have to deal with that and I really wouldn't blame her if she just decided that she didn't want to talk to me ever again. It would be my fault more than hers....
I'm obsessing over my weight, I think, because in the day I tell myself that it's not that bad, that I'm not as fat as I think I am, but at night in the shower I tell myself that, from that point on, I will no longer eat another morsel. Then my mother says, "SAVANNAH, DINNER!" And I forget all about that silent pledge to myself. Then, after dinner, I feel so fucking guilty for stuffing my fat fucking face that I make myself throw up, then I feel guilty about that too. It's like a never-ending cycle.
For Christmas this year, I was supposed to get a tattoo. My parents gave me the money, I had a shop all set up for it, and then I ended up not getting the money in time before the shop backed out. And for the past three months I've been struggling and searching and asking around, 'cause I see all these kids who're younger than me with tattoos, obviously they found somewhere to go. But for whatever reason (Karma hates me, God hates me), nothing is going right for me, including my never-ending tattoo search.
On the upside, I've been attending quite a few concerts in the past six months. I've seen Mayday Parade, Go Radio, My Chemical Romance, Adestria, Bleeding Through, the Wonder Years, the Greater Heights, A Dull Science, Plain White T's, 30 Seconds to Mars, and that's not even all of them. But I missed a couple these past two weeks because my parents think it's cool to just ground me for whatever. Fuck them.
I'm so miserable right now 'cause I feel like I'm old enough to be making my own decisions and living on my own, and my parents want to just tighten up their hold on me. I feel stuck. I just want to be gone and out of this home and on my own.
(And I want to be able to buy my own cigarettes.)
