Things That Are Irrelevant But On My Mind Non-the-Less

Weed: I don't know if this is bad or not but I love weed. I mean, I seriously love it. I don't know, there's just something about getting high that I love.

Another thing: Have you ever noticed how every single twelve year old girl has the same bio on their social network page?

"myy namee is Kianna, I'mm 12 and fukken proud bby!<3

my favoritee band is My Chemical Romancee (Only because Frank Oreo and Gererd Why are so hawt together omg<3)

I don't do drugs cuz drugs are bad.

I'm a crazzyy sex freak i luv it dude

I'm pansexual (there's a difference!)

And I am a virgin.<3

Soooooo that's me! Msg me to find out moreeeeeeee<3!!!!1one!!one!11o!"

Mmhmm. Me five years ago.

Another thing that gets under my skin is when you call someone gay, you know, out of a joke, and there's always that one fucking asshole who is like, "GAY IS SO MEAN WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?! YOU HOMOPHOBE!" And then you're just sitting there feeling like a douche and wondering who is gonna save this awkward situation.

I mean, I understand and appreciate when people defend the rights of gays, but fuck do you guys have to get so fucking butthurt about everything? Damn.

Anyways, that's all that's on my mind tonight... so I think it's time for bed for me. :)

Damn It All

Being trapped has hit an all-time-high, I can't take it. The fact that I had a complete band was making things a little better, but my drummer's mother went and made him move to Minnesota for no fucking reason, now we're out one drummer and I'm out one best friend. This is killing me.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? Drummers are a fucking rare occurrence where I live. At least, they are in high school. My guitarist can play, but he says he feels more passionate as a guitarist, and who am I to take away a man's passion? Acoustic was suggested somewhere down the road, but I hate the sound so much. You can't even understand. Nothing in this world gets me more into music than the sound of drums. They make me move. I can't move to acoustic. I can't FEEL acoustic.

Not only that, but my smoking buddy moved to charter, so I probably won't be seeing him that much anymore. I don't know what to do, man. Fuck me, fuck me sideways.

Oh Fuck Me

I still feel like I'm stuck.

I got a fortune cookie today that said "Forgotten friends will return to you soon". This is not something I want. There are only two people in my life that I've tried to forget and I want neither of them back in my life.

This is all for tonight.

Goodnight.

It's Been A While...

It's been a while and I'm in a shit of a mood. I'm growing up and ready to move on with my life but my parents won't give me any room to grow, which is, in itself, fucking frustrating. My brother is a month from being 18 and God he just can't get enough of that fucking freedom they're giving him.

One of my best friends (who I guess I've liked?) is dating this new super-awesome girl at my school and I feel insanely jealous of her, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can't hate her because I never stood a chance anyways, as it always seems to play out that way. Plus she's madly obsessed with My Chemical Romance and there's not much I can do to hate a Killjoy, it's just fucking wrong to do that.

I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I know I won't, but I'm such a mean person that I wouldn't put it past Karma to do that to me. Hell, I probably deserve it. Not like I've killed anyone before or anything, but I'm just a shit person to everyone around me. I push all my friends away because I'm afraid they'll push me away, and it's almost like I want the break-up rights to myself. Like I want all the glory. I hate it. I lost my best friend of a year and a half because I was always mean to him, and even when he told me to stop I just couldn't. I just couldn't stop being mean. I'm mean to my best friend right now, and she takes it in stride and she's a real trooper, but no one should ever have to deal with that and I really wouldn't blame her if she just decided that she didn't want to talk to me ever again. It would be my fault more than hers....

I'm obsessing over my weight, I think, because in the day I tell myself that it's not that bad, that I'm not as fat as I think I am, but at night in the shower I tell myself that, from that point on, I will no longer eat another morsel. Then my mother says, "SAVANNAH, DINNER!" And I forget all about that silent pledge to myself. Then, after dinner, I feel so fucking guilty for stuffing my fat fucking face that I make myself throw up, then I feel guilty about that too. It's like a never-ending cycle.

For Christmas this year, I was supposed to get a tattoo. My parents gave me the money, I had a shop all set up for it, and then I ended up not getting the money in time before the shop backed out. And for the past three months I've been struggling and searching and asking around, 'cause I see all these kids who're younger than me with tattoos, obviously they found somewhere to go. But for whatever reason (Karma hates me, God hates me), nothing is going right for me, including my never-ending tattoo search.

On the upside, I've been attending quite a few concerts in the past six months. I've seen Mayday Parade, Go Radio, My Chemical Romance, Adestria, Bleeding Through, the Wonder Years, the Greater Heights, A Dull Science, Plain White T's, 30 Seconds to Mars, and that's not even all of them. But I missed a couple these past two weeks because my parents think it's cool to just ground me for whatever. Fuck them.

I'm so miserable right now 'cause I feel like I'm old enough to be making my own decisions and living on my own, and my parents want to just tighten up their hold on me. I feel stuck. I just want to be gone and out of this home and on my own.

(And I want to be able to buy my own cigarettes.)

This Isn't Good.

Tonight, I feel like I could die.

I hate my family.

Fucking Frustrated

I feel to bottled up right now. Like I have all these pieces that belong somewhere but I can't find the right pieces that fit together. I'm so fucking sick of it. I'm so tired of feeling like I need to cry, but I can't cry, which only makes me angrier. I'm so tired of feeling like I KNOW someday I'll be famous, but it's just right out of my reach, just beyond my grasp, and I struggle to reach it, and it's right there, but it's laughing at me. And it jumps out of my clutches every time I almost have it. I'm tired of people hating me. I'm tired of hating people. I'm tired of being fat, and being told that I'm not, but knowing that deep down I am. I'm tired of hating myself but not wanting to die. It's like I'm in a fucking Mexican Standoff. I can't sit here and do nothing but that's ALL I can do.

And there's this little fucking voice inside of me screaming, "You can control this! Stop! Think! Breathe! You're unstable! Give yourself a second and it'll all be okay." I don't have the patience to give myself that second, because that second is actually three years away, six years away, forever a-fucking-way, I don't want to wait.

I was happy, and there was this little voice inside my mind saying, "Be careful. This happiness won't last, and you know it. It always goes away." And I just brushed it off because I was basking in my happiness. But that's gone. And now I sit every day, feeling as if there's a knot inside of me that needs to be untied, but no one knows how to untie it and until someone comes along, it's just stuck. It's just fucking stuck. And that's what I am right now. I'm stuck. I'm fifteen. I have no life. I'm on probation. I can't do drugs, I can't party, I don't have friends who like to party. I want fame. But fame is for the people with sob-stories. I don't have a sob-story. I'm just Savannah Fucking Hill. Savannah Fucking Hill who expresses herself with music that I didn't write, with stories that I didn't write, with everything that's not mine.

I'm so pissed all the time that I'm dangerous. I don't want to die, but that pisses me off more because all I can do is sit here and wish things would get better. Wish wish wish. FUCKING WISH. I don't want to die, because then there will always be 'what-ifs', but I'm always queasy, because I KNOW there's more out there. More that's unattainable to me. FUCK. I'M SO FRUSTRATED I JUST WANNA SCREAM AT EVERYONE. I wanna punch shit and kick shit and hurt people but there's no one I can do that to, and if I did I'd get arrested. I'm just stuck. I'm stuck. I feel like I'll always be stuck. Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

God Hates Me

Yes, it's official. God has officially decided to disown me as one of his creations. I'm no longer Savannah the human, but Savannah (That-Thing-That-I-Can't-Kill-Off-For-Some-Reason-That-Is-Only-Known-By-Me).

I've had such a hard fucking time with people, being accepted and loved and all. I just wish I could die so I wouldn't have to fucking deal with people.

The person that I felt the most for in this world left me on my ass, and now I have to act like I'm okay so he doesn't pester me. He doesn't understand things, I don't think. I act fine during the day but it totally comes out at night, and I feel like I can't control it. I can't STAND it.

Sad music is the only thing that doesn't remind me of him right now. I want so much to hurt myself, but I won't do it.

I think I'll learn new piano music.